“I’m feeling agitated today.”

Grumpy BearThis is the email I sent to my wife today.  She responded kindly.  Wanting to know what was making me feel that way.  I responded profoundly; “IDK, just life”.  To which she replied by reminding me what a great, stress free weekend we had, how the kids were relaxed, they did their homework, made dinner, we all got out for a walk, my daughter and I talked about the possibility of her changing schools because she’s not doing well (probably because of me), and we got through that without fighting – but then she said “you have a great life”.  I got pissed.

I thought to myself, You are the one relieved.  You are the one that finally got what you want.  Your life is great not mine!  Mine is in total upheaval.  I’m scared to death that I’m going to let people down again, that I’ll lose touch with all my friends – and I do have some very good ones.  My friends were never the trigger for my drinking.  My drinking is very often and increasingly solo.  My friends are successful, thoughtful, productive people and I don’t want to let go of them.  I need space and understanding and I’m not ready to just fit in to the “daddy box” and do what I’m told.

I told her (most) of this and told her she needed to moderate her expectations of me.  That I need to focus on me for a while.  She understood that.  She’s always been good to me and I love her very much.  twenty-three years and counting.

But she’s not a drunk.  She doesn’t like to drink.  She doesn’t like feeling hung over.  She’s normal.  She’s never agonized over it.  Quit and started.  Quit and started.  She doesn’t quite understand what I’ve undertaken and how empty it all is right now.  And so I can’t talk to her.

I do have several friends that are sober.  I haven’t reached out to them yet, but I know that’s what I have to do.  I hope that I can do it soon.  It will help.

Peace.

 

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