Today at 11:51 AM
Day 17. Stuck at work. Wanting to be just about anywhere else.
Yesterday I took, what for me was a big step, and told my brothers and sister and my mom and dad that I had quit drinking again. I told them about my blog and invited them to take a look. I also told my sister in law and her husband who has been sober 29 years (Way to go CK!). They were all supportive in their own way. I know people say “don’t dwell in the past just work through today”, and “you don’t do this for anyone but yourself”, but that’s not how I live my life. I live my life for those around me and I want to share this with them too.
I feel like one of the major reasons for my failed attempts to stay sober is my failure to share it with friends and family. I find that I can only say – no thanks, I’m not drinking tonight – so many times before it becomes a lie. A lie because I don’t want to tell the whole truth. I don’t tell them because I don’t want to say:
- “because I’m an alcoholic” – I don’t know what that means to them. I’m afraid it will change their opinion of me, or worse their basic understanding of me and our relationship.
- “I’m in recovery” – to me this conjures up images of Dr. Drew and some inflated, has been celebrity that signed on for the publicity – not to get healthy.
- “I’m trying to get healthy” – doesn’t work because one look at me tells you that healthy living is not my top priority! I am trying to get healthy but it’s a tough sell.
I’m no different than any of you that are reading this. And if you read that list and it makes you mad, I’m sorry. What I’m trying to do is find what works for me. Please keep doing what works for you or please let me know how you feel.
In a meeting one time someone said “I cannot both control, and enjoy my drinking”. I relate to that. There have been plenty of nights that I have had one or two and left feeling sober and in control – and totally unsatisfied! Really wanting to continue drinking. These are the nights that I would generally stop by the liquor store on my way home to buy whiskey and continue what I started. This is what I’ve come to realize about myself and this is going to be my standard answer when friends and family ask me why I’m not drinking tonight.
I cannot both control, and enjoy – drinking.